Trying …

So May 13th I met with my neuro surgeon. At this time I am not a good candidate for the RNS. I was told because of the size of the lesion it will not fully control my seizures, a resection is the best option. For those questioning what a resection is well I will have a good portion of my right occipital lobe removed,( I might lose a few pounds), but I know there are better ways. It may sound scary or maybe for some people there may be hesitation. However I have a 70% chance of being seizure free! What?!?! I know right, I forgot what that would feel like. My mom is nervous, like any mom would be. We were talking the other day about her concerns, and I was telling her how I felt. Presently I don’t feel scared, because I am tired of feeling anxious when in public, the before and after affects of the seizures itself, and tired of having to worry where I can put my pills when I go to the gym. Let me tell you when they are in extreme heat they turn to powder, I’ve learned the hard way. Most of all I’m angry that I can’t be independent. At this moment I’m not even nervous. Does that sound crazy? It probably does. The only thing I’m truly nervous about is after all this how will my family feel? My husband, daughter, and my son especially are who I worry about. The only part of recovery I’m afraid of is so vein, being bald. Another thing is being my stubborn self, and it’s not wanting to follow directions, but literally not knowing how to put myself first and take care of me. I have been fighting epilepsy since 2002. It’s no where near fighting other diseases like cancer. However for many years although I battled, I played the part that I was fine. Many times I still continue to do so, but this time God is showing me who is boss. This time it sure isn’t me! I was in church on Sunday and the paster said something that caught my attention. He said “We are not meant to know the future, because we would fear the future.” Yep so true. If I knew say 20 years ago I would be writing this blog and the reason for it, you better believe I would fear it. Now that I am living it, it may sound weird but I can’t imagine or remember what it was like any other way. Although I’ve been angry along with many other emotions I have learned to accept it, because I can’t change it. I just want to be able to use my experience to help others get through what I have been and continue to go through.