Good morning. As I lay in bed restless I can’t help but to think in 6 days I will be laying in a hospital bed recovering from my surgery. This last 16 almost 17 years have a been a crazy ride not just for me, but for everyone around me.
I am ready for this to be over! Friday was a physically draining afternoon. After taking a ride not on a rollercoaster but in an ambulance my brain was fried literally, and my body exhausted. Yet again breakthrough seizures. Yes that was plural. I can still hear the voice of my son telling me “it’s ok mom” and feeling his hands rubbing my hair as my brain and body were break dancing. Thinking of that is a not so great reminder of when he was little and I would feel his chubby little hands on my face saying those exact words “it’s okay mom”.
This whole time, especially now that my kids are older, feeling like I am the child, the roles have felt switched. Switched and unfair because they are taking care and worrying about me like a parent should be doing for them.
After waking up in the hospital all I could think of was to keep it together because THIS IS ALMOST OVER! For me keeping it together was for me not to break down and cry because the experiences are horrible, but to remind myself I can actually say “I got this”, and believe it is priceless.
The recovery of the surgery will be a long road. Am I afraid? No! Well not right now. The hardest part for me right now will be the recovery and following directions, getting rest, and most of all depending on others. I didn’t follow directions very well in school, after my back surgery, thus the reason I need another one. Even when I feel my worst I stay busy to distract myself from wanting to rest because I feel sleep is a waste of time and there is so much that needs to be done. Depending on others is and has been the hardest of this whole situation. I don’t like to ask for help because I feel like a burden. I don’t want anyone to feel obligated thus the reason I would rather do things myself.
Which reminds me of my appointment last week. I was told that the when i explain my loss of independence it is similar to the words in a song of a rock and an island. At the time I didn’t think so, but now thinking about it… I suppose it does. Many would love not working and get tired of driving. However work is my getaway. I say that because working with the public is challenging but I enjoy the social aspect because no two patients are the same. I miss socializing with people I don’t know. I miss driving because being in a car, listening to music, and sometimes thinking about who I am besides a mom and wife, and what I want to be when I grow up is my time. Sometimes I want to grab my keys just to sit in my car even in my driveway. That’s crazy I know I need a hobby.
Adapting to the seizure lifestyle at 23 was a challenge. However the thought of going back to my life before seizures sounds fabulous. Count down begins 6 days until this is almost over!