Good question

Two weeks ago yesterday I was rolling into brain surgery. Last night I was trying to fall asleep and realized two weeks ago I was laying in ICU realizing I finally took the plunge having the part of my brain removed to becoming seizure free. My last seizure, or shall I say set of seizures was July 19th. It is after events like that I realized it was time. The day of my surgery my daughter had posted something about my surgery on social media. It is so amazing to see the outpour of support that I had received from people I didn’t even know. Many of them had questions pertaining to how epilepsy changed my life. One question was a great question and really got me thinking. I wasn’t sure how I would answer that one. The question was “did epilepsy change my marriage”? For so many years I hid my seizures from people I had known for many years. It wasn’t because I was embarrassed. It was more so because of the reaction I would get. It was more because I was self-conscious and anxious because of how people would react or lack of if I had a seizure in front of them. I always carried a little green pill box that carried my pills to stop a seizure. If that pill box was in my pocket, or on my workstation it was going to be a shake and bake kind of day. If my husband or kids saw the pill box in my pocket they would say “oh no maybe you should just stay home”. However if one of my kids had a game I wasn’t going to miss it because what if they did something amazing. I wasn’t going to let this stop me. I don’t think epilepsy changed my marriage but I do think it had an affect on my marriage. After seizures my husband would tell me “you make me nervous”, “I’m always worrying about you”. I’m sure anyone married to someone that has seizures feels the same. He would tell me he is always worrying if I was okay. That has to be a horrible feeling. I was afraid of being alone and having a seizure but he was worried if I was going to make it to work okay, or if I wasn’t feeling good if he would have to pick me up from work. That must be a horrible feeling. Just the unknown must be hard for him on top of regular everyday stress. At the time I was dealing with my seizures I was thankful he was there to pick me up both physically and more so emotionally. After my surgery I can say I’m so appreciative that he has been by my side and walked this long journey with me, and continues to motivate me during this fresh beginning. So the answer to this question is yes epilepsy has affected my marriage. It has given me such an appreciation for the man that has held my hand, rubbed my head, wiped my tears out of fear and frustration, tried to calm me down, and taken care of me before and after my break dancing while laying down. It has been such a long road, but finally I made it to the traffic signal that no longer has a red or yellow light. The only light on the signal that works is green!

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