Things to come

As I lay in bed wide awake, in the dark because I can’t find my remote my mind is running faster than a race car. I don’t know why maybe because I know what is to be expected and the anticipation. July 30 was my 1st brain surgery thinking it would be my only. October 11th was my first seizure since surgery which was frustrating and scary at the same time. 21 days later on Nov 2nd I had a cluster seizure, and the 23rd another set of cluster seizures. The auras continue to roll daily in multiple sets. My medication has increased. I am now up to 5 different medications. That’s a strong cocktail of medicine. Back to the drawing board we go. More testing an MRI petscan, and in Feb it’s official shaking on purpose. Surgery again is inevitable. This time my brain will either have more removed, which if anyone talks crap about how small my brain is I can’t argue because it will be true, or the RNS will be placed at this moment there is a possibility it might be both. You should’ve seen the look on the resident’s face when I asked him if the RNS is placed inside my head can I go out in the rain. He looked at me with such disbelief it was funny. I knew the answer to that question but humor has gotten me this far I figure I’ve got to keep pushing.

For me that’s easy to say because I can deal with my emotions or try to anyway but those around me see things differently. My family sees and has to deal with me, poor them. Am I disappointed, definitely. Do I get frustrated, definitely. Am I angry for sure! These emotions fester a sense of feeling like I’ve lost myself. I at this time cannot work, drive, and must depend on everyone else including my kids. For me it is a sense of embarrassment.

How weird is it that running errands is nice because I get to see other people. Knowing that February is around the corner and the testing is going to be done again sucks. I looked at the last 17years as a journey one that I thought was over. I guess God has other plans although I wish I knew or at least he would give me a hint. I guess this journey will continue for the time being. I call it seizen for a reason!

2 thoughts on “Things to come

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