Babysitter

It has been 2 months since my last post and my last seizure which is good . Monday was a day full of internal frustration. I am tired of being tired of feeling limited or feeling a certain way which is indescribable. Besides seizures running is my way of releasing my frustration. Having a seizure is not a positive way to release stress or frustration, but on many occasions after a good seizure my mind and body feel as though my body has shaken out my stress. For the 1st time in a long time I wanted and needed to run. Not run from my day, my current situation, but I needed a release. I needed a positive release.

As I am getting my stuff together such as my phone, seizure pills and water my son is getting my car keys as if he is going somewhere. I asked him where he was going. His answer: ” I’m going with you you can’t go alone.” At that moment feeling like a kid I made it very clear to him and my husband that I dont need a babysitter. I’m a grown woman with 2 children and a grandchild why do people feel the need to have someone go with me? During my last lap my body was feeling like it was time to leave. After an amazing run and positive release of emotions and pressure I get in my car which my son was driving and everything changed physically. The lights flashing as though I was in a club about to dance. The loud echoes that seemed as though I was in a long tunnel and the loud ringing in my ears that I could not handle. As I’m trying to get my pills out of my pocket my son knows what’s about to go down. Its me I’m about to go down. The flashing lights are not a sign of get down like I’m about to dance I mean go down like go down shaking.

With my son about to be 18 in a few days and his mom always having seizures he is what seems a professional. He makes sure Im able to have access to my pills, he asked where my nasal spray was just incase, and calls my husband to tell him we are on our way home to be outside to help him. What the hell! This is not right! This situation is just not right! It’s been 2 months since my last seizure this should not have happened. My dr added on a new medication and it was working. My main issue was this was not supposed to happen in the instance of my husband and son were right! With a deep sigh I guess I needed a babysitter that day.

My resistance is strong and may seem like a child about to get spanked holding onto the door jam because after my surgery a year ago and these damn seizures coming back even stronger, though a large decrease in frequency but duration is worse. I dont want to have another surgery which may be a necessary possibility. Thus the reason of the added medication.

Since I started having seizures I have faught and refused to allow this break dancing while laying down stop me from doing many things. Although while in the moment it’s fearful that has not changed I guess I’ll go back to walking for awhile then hit the track again in a week. Some people might say I’m allergic to exercise, but I’m allergic to throwing in the towel and giving up. I will fight this challenge and everyone that allows it to attempt to consume or define me. Almost everyone around me nods their head or just sighs because they don’t understand. They will only understand if they walk in my shoes. I’ve been called stubborn, a brat, and Jimmy Moreno. I am and I’ll admit I am all those things. Being stubborn at times is one of my best qualities. A brat will almost always get their way. I will get the life I want back nothing less, but more will come out of it! Well the Jimmy Moreno that was my father and that could mean many things.

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